and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
