soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
