at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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