Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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