Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
