Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
