The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
