you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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