woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
