just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
