Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
