I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
