I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
