I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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