so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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