I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
