I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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