you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
