I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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