I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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