So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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