all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
