The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
