Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
