theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
