I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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