it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
