i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
