remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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