Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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