new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
