I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
