I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
