I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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