What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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