It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
