Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
