My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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