im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
