dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
