if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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