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I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it's like iHOP with fire
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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