I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
