I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
