This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
