sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
