i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
