anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
