If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
