hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
