69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
