what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
