Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize