Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
