The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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